Christmas

We had a fun Christmas !!

All the kids love their stuff!

16 months

This kid is already 16 months old!  He is such a happy and smiley baby.  

He loves most fruit.  He  could eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner. 

He obviously still loves his Binky. 

He has eight teeth right now and more coming in  

Past few months have been really hard for us but this kid keeps me smiling.  

Due date

"not a day goes by that I don't think of you.   Gone too soon"

Today's my due date for my angel baby, Ray Shilo.  I sit here atthe cemetery    wishing he was in my arms.  

The fact that he isn't makes life seem so unfair. 

The last 4 months without him have been a challenge.  But I'm surviving one day at a time.  

My heart hurts badly loosing my baby and my mom just 3 months from each other.   It feels like my heart will have two holes in it forever. 

I have some comfort knowing they are together. 

No matter what they say. You'll be here in my heart, always.  

Baby Rays corner

My mom

Wednesday night (5/13)  I got a phone from my mom that she needed help right away.  I could tell something was wrong.

I jumped in my truck and rushed over.  I walked into her house and went in her room, she was in the bathroom over the sink, she had just thrown up all over and needed help cleaning up and getting back to bed.

She had been very weak the previous two weeks, as she wasn't able to eat very much.  The batch of chemo she had been doing was the strongest one she had ever done before.

I got her back to bed and got her some water and something to calm her stomach.  She said she was fine after I got her settled and that it was OK for me to go home.  I felt sick to my stomach, I knew something wasn't right.  I left her house and immediately started to bawl.  I knew my mom was the sickest she had ever been and that her body was likely to be shutting down.

Thursday my mom called me and said she couldn't get out of bed by herself, she was that weak.  I went over and helped her and made her some breakfast. My sister Rachel and I took turns being at her house throughout the day.  My sister Jessica from California had plans to come into town the next week on Tuesday to be in town for my nephews birthday.  We called her and told her mom wasn't doing well.  She was able to get the last flight out for Friday afternoon to be here with us.

We kept telling my mom she should go to the hospital, her least favorite place, she instead called her doctor and told him how she was doing.   She was able to go see her Doctor later in the day.
He told her the chemo wasn't working anymore and gave her some good sweet talk, then told my sister the real story that she wouldn't survive for too much longer.  Her doctor said he would put in a order for hospice care the next day.

Friday morning I called mom to see how was she.  I asked if she needed any help, but her at home nurse was over and she said she was ok.

I wish I would of listened to my gut and gone over anyway.

The hospice company went over to her house around 2:00pm.  My sister was there with her and my mom asked me to come over too.  I called my mother in law and she come over to be with Kasen.

Before I left to go over to her house I texted my friend who works for a hospice company and asked which company she works for (she recently changed companies).
She told me Dixie hospice.  Then called me a minute later.

She had got a work order with my moms information earlier that day.  Right as I texted her she was on her way to my moms house.

I walked into my moms house and saw my friend, her boss and another nurse. Having my friend there brought me great comfort.

The nurse went over everything that was going on with my mom and said she would likely only have 2-3 days left.

I was slightly in shock and she had gone down hill so quickly, as the previous Sunday (Mothers day) we had a great time together, ate tasty food and played some games.

I went to see her in her room, they had her hooked up to a oxygen machine and her levels were very low as well as her blood pressure.

The nurse went over more information with us, what medicines to give her and food...

I called my sister to see where she was.. she was only about an hour away.  My brother was up north at the time, competing in a state track race.  We couldn't decide what to tell him as his race was set for Saturday morning.

My mom kept getting worse.

She asked to eat a few times, but she was only able to eat a bite or two.

We knew she had planned things for after she did pass, we were trying to find everything.  There was a file of things she had put together, but we couldn't find it.  My moms good friend Amy came over to be with us and she helped looked for the file.

The hospice company needed us to let them know what mortuary company she had made arrangements with.

We still couldn't find the file.

My sister Jessica arrived around 5.

The nurse said we should talk to her and have our last real conversation with her, she was may not be able to understand much or reply for too much longer.  We called my brother so he was able to talk to her one last time.

They were giving her morphine to help with her pain and her breathing.  That made her more and more unable to converse with us.
I brought my son over so she could see him and my nephews came over to say goodbye.

She was still acting like herself, she asked to play a game with us.

Amy went in to ask her about the file and my mom said "Its in my cabinet".  We looked and looked and couldn't find.   Amy asked again and my mom said "I'll find it in the morning".

The nurse left sometime after.  We all went in to be with her. 

Jessica's friend brought us over dinner.  I realized I hadn't really eaten any food, but I also felt so sick to my stomach I didn't want to eat.

Around 10pm Rachel went home.  I thought about going home, but had a feeling I should stay longer. Soon after my moms breathing got worse, so I texted my friend the nurse to see if it was normal.  She said she would come over to help and be with us.

My friend said her breathing was getting more shallow. 

We went and talked in the living room while Jessica stayed with my mom. 

We talked for a while, and called every mortuary to find which one my mom had plans with.  We didn't have any luck, so we made some arrangements with Serenity. 

Then she went to go check on my mom.

Jessica was up as she hadn't felt my mom breathe for a few minutes.  My friend checked for a pulse and couldn't one at 12:34am 5/16/2015.  She slipped into the light, peacefully. 

My heart hurt so bad.  I couldn't believe my mother was gone. But, finally, she was pain free.
 She has been a wonderful mother to me for 27 years.

I felt like a piece of me was gone.

A man from the mortuary came over.   I said  my final goodbye to my sweet mom.

The last few years she fought so hard to be with her kids and grandchildren.   I know she stayed to be able to see me have my first baby, to see me graduate with my Bachelors degree, See Nathan get his mission call and to see him graduate high school.   She did her duty as a mother to all of us.  She helped shaped the lives of all of her children.

She was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 and was told at that time she would only have 3-6 months to live.

She lived for 7 years after that.

I have comfort that my mom is not longer in pain and that she is with my sweet angel baby.

I love you Mom, I will forever miss you.

1st birthday pictures

About a month ago we got Kasen's pictures taken!  They turned out so cute. I love this little boys smile!!

One year ago

One year ago this sweet soul joined our family and changed my life for the better. 

I am in complete shock that it's already been a year.   It's completely bittersweet to watch your child grow up.  

This morning I started to reminisce about his birth as I was lying in bed. It all started around 7am in the morning when I started to having some small cramping.   It continued the rest of the day and got stronger and more painful.

Here is the full birth story if you want to read it 

At 9:28pm this beautiful baby boy weighing 6 pounds and 12 ounces was born in the comfort of our home.   

I can't believe a year ago was the first time I held my boy!

He was a pretty good nurser from the beginning.   Though my milk came in 5 days after I had him, so we did have a few struggles.   Around 9 1/2 months he started primarily only nursing at night.   Then a month later he completely stopped nursing. It was a bit bittersweet. I loved the bonding him I was able to have just with him! 

On February 17th he started taking a few steps. Then started to walk the rest the day. Now he is a wild, walking boy!

Right now he is busy teething, playing and eating.  

Happy birthday my sweet baby boy!!

Broken hearts

I woke up Monday morning with some anxiety knowing we would find out more about what was going on with our baby.

I went through the day like normal... feed Kasen, dropped him off at my sisters, went to school.  Then  1:45pm rolled around and I had to face it all.  I was going to see what was wrong.

The nurse did a ultrasound on me.  She didn't say much until the doctor came into the room.  She quietly showed him a few things on the screen.  One thing she pointed out is a clef lip,   Then she found some abnormal thing with the kidneys.  Then with his heart.

He explained a few things that could be the problem and suggested doing a genetic test to see what was really going on.

He made us an appointment for 5:00pm the same night with Dr Hales, a specialist. The doctors assistant did another ultrasound on me.  This one took about 45 minutes.  He examined everything over the babies body.  Then he said the doctor would come in and explain the results. Devastating news was delivered to us.

Our baby boy was likely to have trisomy 18 or 13, a genetic disorder.  He has numerous issues over the majority of his body.

He kept explaining more, but I was so frozen inside I couldn't understand anything he was saying.  I just sat there crying. The doctor and Ray went in the other room and talked more.  I couldn't hear anymore, it was already too much.   We then headed home.  I walked outside the doctors office and just completely broke down.  I couldn't understand why something like this had to happen to my baby boy.  I was trying to wrap my head around the past few hours, but I couldn't fully understand the reality of things going on. My body was just in shock.

The next day Ray and I talked about what we should do now.  After thinking about it for a few days.  The best option was to terminate the pregnancy.  I feel it would be easier to lose him now, then to carry him to full term and lose him later.

We scheduled the appointment for Friday morning.

I already felt that I had such a strong bond with this baby boy.  He had been living and growing inside me for 5 months. Seems so unfair that I spent all that time sick for nothing.. I dreamed and thought about how he would change our family for good and his life with his brother and sisters. 

I was already looking forward to that "new baby smell" and being able to cuddle him all day long.


Friday Morning came.  I hadn't slept much that night, knowing what was going to come in the morning.


We arrived at the hospital around 7:30.   The doctor finally arrived around 11:00.  He gave me the drugs to get labor started.

Finally around 6:30, labor had officially started as the contractions started getting more intense.   I finally had him around 7:45 pm.  We named him Ray Shilo Kounalis.

This labor was much more painful than my first and was completely different.  The doctor wanted to monitor me for a few hours after to see how my body was.   Finally around 11:00pm, we were able to start to sign papers to be able to leave the hospital. My nurse grabbed a wheelchair for me and we started to head outside.  It seems so unfair that I helped my baby grown for 5 months, just to have him taken away and I had to leave him.

Monday the 16th we had a little service for Ray Shilo at the Washington cemetery.  It was so hard to see that tiny coffin. My heart still aches and I know it will continue to, I just keep telling myself, "One day at a time".

11 months old

This sweet baby of mine is already 11 months old.  I can't believe around the corner he will be a year old :(

He still loves eating!

He has been teething the past week so he's been a little sick.  He is just about to walk, he takes 1 or 2 steps then just stands or sits down. 

We went out to eat last week and most of the time he just stared and watched people.  He loves to people watch, especially kids!

He is such a sweet little boy!

10 months of baby K

This kid just melts my heart more and more each day!  He is such a momma's boy!  He always has to have me in his sight or be around me.  If I go in the other room, he just follows me.

He got his two bottom teeth for Christmas!  And his favorite thing to do is EAT!  He always wants to eat (Doesn't look like it though!)  I feed him every 2-3 hours and every time I eat he has to partake. He loves sweet potatoes the most, but he will eat just about anything.

He got spoiled at Christmas from his aunts, Grandmas and grandpas!  Lots of new fun toys for him!

He is getting closer and closer to walking!
He likes to wave and say "hi"!  Lately he has been giving me "high fives"!